Mom was my rock, my safe place, my cheerleader & "my best critic" (as she called it). I've always stopped to take her viewpoint into consideration before doing anything, and even if I messed up, she would take away my regrets before I felt remorse. I think they call that "co-dependent," but she was just a great mom doing her job & didn't care. When I was little & found out the truth about Santa Clause, she covered for me & didn't tell my dad so that I would get double presents that year. And Santa left my gifts under the tree at my grandma's house in Virginia, just as "he did for that little boy in Philadelphia," she said with a wink. I'll never forget that or the pain I felt when I dropped her off at the airport after she helped me move into my new house in Tennessee. That day, I couldn't imagine how much it would hurt when she would pass on, and it's still hard to believe. It's like she took the biggest part of my heart with her & now there's just a big hole where my Mom used to be. I cling to her nightgowns & robes in that same co-dependent manner, just trying to find some comfort on my way through a storm of sadness. But I need her here to pull me out & I wish I knew what she would say in order to do that, so I could try to do it on my own. I would listen to you, Mom. I know I didn't listen to you all the time before, but these situations were your strongest skill. You could find the light thru a hurricane & that's why we came to you when we couldn't find it. You always knew what to do, which comes from experience I guess. When she found out she was sick, I spent nearly every day with her. One evening as Jacob & I were leaving, she thanked me for doing some little odds & ends around the house. I just looked at her & said "oh. Well, thank YOU for giving birth to me," because now I know how painful it is since having done it myself. Then I had a thought: how awful it is that the part of her that gave me life, is taking hers away. How ironic is that? Nonetheless, I promised her that I would work my hardest to make her proud of me, every single day, until we are together again in her mansion in the sky. When she told me she wanted to give up, I asked her if she got enough love, and she said yes. Then I told her that she was a good Mom. She looked at me so tenderly & said "I was"? And I said "YES, Mommy! Look at how amazing my son is. Don't you see? I learned how to be a Mother from you"! Oh how that baby boy loved, loved, loved her! He would reach for her, even on her dying day because she brought him so much joy, just as he did for her. When I was little, I once asked her if she would be around to see my children, because she had me so late in life. She said probably not. And I've worried about that my whole life. But, now I know why God gave me Jacob when he did. Even though he's only 8 months old, Mom found the light in the storm again. The storm was her illness & the light is my baby boy. And I thank God every day for that - his timing was impeccable! Mom would get irritated with me because I would tell Jacob that her name was Nana-Banana. But in the end it made her laugh, just as he did. She had so much love in her heart & I hope she got to take it with her. Mommy - just as I told you as you left, don't worry. We'll be fine. Time will ease the pain of losing you, but know the place in my heart will always be yours. I will take good care of Jacob & make sure he has a place for you in his little heart, too. And he will know that you named him & cut his umbilical cord when he was born. I won't pretend that my biscuits & gravy will be as good as yours, but I'll darn well try. And know that everything that is good inside of me I have from you. Thank you for loving me more than anything & spending your life making sure that I was taken care of. I love you so much Mommy! And even though I'll never be the same person I was before you went away, I'll be the person you've always wanted me to be. I will always find you in the light & find the light because of you! Wait for me at the Gate, Mommy. I'll be there before you know it. Love You Always, Jamie Marie (AKA: Sherry, Linda, $hit! JAMIE!)